I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.