Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
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ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.