Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
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Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
can I use a minion as a tampon
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?