Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas