You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
when dads have a rap battle
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.