Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
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People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Baking is just science you can eat.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
It’s the weekend y’all