Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
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I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.