Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
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Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[eats all your cotton candy]
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus