I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
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My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED