My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy