god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM