person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
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Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
😩😩😩
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Cannot stop laughing at this
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?