Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
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Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes