Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
You Might Also Like
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
never deleting this app.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep