I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
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*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.