“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Generation gap…
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.