Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
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YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
A little too much information.