Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
You Might Also Like
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
True freaking story!
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.