*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
This is my cat’s medicine.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
mechanics be like
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I occasionally drink every single night.