To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
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People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled