*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
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Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?