There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
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My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.