If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
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Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I am yelling
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”