fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
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If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
A ghost story
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
…u ok Nintendo?