The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
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My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
#SaturdayBears
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener