Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
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Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
dictator is short for richard potato
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Hot Hot Hot
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.