I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
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Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
🏙👨🏼
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
channeling her this year
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley