Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
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New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
The government even made aliens boring
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead