In Russia, Pokemon find you.
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In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
That took me a moment.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.