9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
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famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner