How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
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Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
the Monday after daylight savings
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi