My love language is deader than Latin
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Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.