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The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Your honor these allegations are
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.