Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
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I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
The dark side of Canada
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water