[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
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The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,