When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Wednesday
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.