I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
In banana years, I am bread.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
me when I see my crush
I have two kinds of followers
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first