HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
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Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I’m not proud
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so