“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
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Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?