I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
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Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.