principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
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Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
nobody’s gonna understand
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.