i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
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*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind