People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Plant care tips
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Pot warmers of the day.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping