My daily affirmation
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Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*