Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
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Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk