If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”