IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
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All is fair in drunk and war.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”