If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
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Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.