He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
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Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!