Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
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So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets